Fact or Fiction? Who really cares?

Recently I wrote about Charlie Hunnam and his dislike for social media.  He is totally against it, and his quote really struck me.  So I thought this would be a great one to write about tonight.  The quote that got17904099_10209107375866451_8244057729912478485_n to me was this, “I think it’s (social media) is incredibly corruptive of our ability to just live without judgment, which is clearly the path to happiness.”  Picking that sentence apart, living without judgment is the path to happiness.   After reading this, I thought I’d share my real life, raw, crap stuff and show you how it correlates with my posts on social media.

Easter weekend, we were invited to the beach with my parents and stayed in a swanky looking condo.  It was beautiful and the kids, who got there before me, were so excited to show me our “new house”.  By the looks of Facebook, everyone looked so full of joy and the place we stayed in looked like it cost a pretty penny or several!  What you DIDN’T see on Facebook was the total meltdown that my children had the week before that left us all sobbing in Mimi’s living room floor.  That story will not be shared, as it’s their personal lives, but know that it was a very traumatizing experience for all of us.  They’re ok and we rose from it all very well, however it was one of the moments a mom is supposed to always protect her children from.  It was a moment that reminds you just how hard it is to be a divorced family.  It was heart wrenching and they were incredibly broken.  Not to mention just a week before, my daughter and I had the conversation about her self hatred.  So it’s been a steady snowball of emotions and hard life lessons piling on them and it finally reached it’s max.  Which is how we ended up on Mimi’s floor in a huge puddle of tears trying to pull ourselves together.  The next day Mimi called me up and said “Let’s go to the beach.  My timeshare is open and I want to get these kids outta here for a little while, they need a break.”  Knowing I was going out of town the following weekend, it definitely was not in my budget, but Mimi refused to take no for an answer.   So we piled down at the beach and renewed our minds and souls.

Meanwhile, internet trolls are looking at my Facebook in total disgust because I’m vacationing every weekend.  Little did they know my kids fell apart.  Little did they know that Jamaica was booked nearly a year ago and paid in payments.  Little did they know that I gave up the fairy tale wedding so that I could honeymoon in Jamaica instead.  See how that festered for them and the things they saw were not truly reality?

You see, no one is going to post their real stuff.  I mean some post all of their business, but it isn’t the raw nitty gritty stuff that gets them to the point they’re at.  I’m not going to post on social media how I have a breakdown at least monthly (and that’s being generous, it’s probably more than monthly) because I feel like a failure in everything I do.  I have moments that I think I totally suck as a mom….the weeks before the beach were extremely hard on me and how I felt as a mother.  I’m not going to post that there are some weeks I only have two haircuts booked all week and I’m TERRIFIED of how we will get through.  I’m not going to post how I go through depression and anxiety that has kept me locked in the house for weeks.  I’m not going to post any of those things for several reasons….for one, my pride makes it hard to admit.  Two, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.  I could share all my hardships and some would appreciate it, some would find inspiration in it, and some will tell me how I shouldn’t post all of my business on Facebook.  So I save the real stuff for my circle, because I want positivity on my feed.  Here I am, being judged for every single move I make no matter what I do.

Then you have the ones passing the judgment.  And we all do it.  We see a homeless man on the street corner and immediately snub our nose at the “bum”.  He’s begging for money and should get a job.  We snub our nose at the single mom paying for groceries with EBT while carrying a Michael Kors bag.  We scoff at our friends with shiny new toys because they should’ve paid a debt instead.  We roll our eyes in disgust at the girl who wore her pants “too short” or top “too tight” and make rude comments.

Do you realize what all that judgment is doing to your insides?  We go on a rant on social media about how crappy the world is and get everyone riled up about it.  Meanwhile, this anger and disgust not only takes so much more energy than loving someone would, but it also does NOTHING to solve the problem.  The homeless man maybe could use a shower and clean outfit to land the job.  The mom using EBT very well could’ve bought that bag at Goodwill.  I’ve bought my own from there.  We aren’t responsible for our friends new payments or old debts, so why not be happy?  And you could just as easily turn your head from the girl in clothes you don’t approve of.  When you fight with love and grace instead of judgment and distaste, you will ALWAYS win.

I don’t read much in the Bible, but I’m pretty sure Jesus loves all the people you’re so disgusted with.  And if you’re Christian, it’s commanded that you do as well.  While you’re so busy judging what you think is reality, you’re showing people just how crappy Christians really are.  I know I’d have a hard time following a God that had these kinda people as His followers.

At the end of the day, we are all just doing the best we can.  There is no handbook on this crap.  There’s no right or wrong way (provided you’re not like pushing meth or something).  But we can all be right.  We can all love one another and help the other guy out.  And if he takes advantage? That’s on him to live with….you lose nothing by being a good person.  The ones that take advantage always lose in the end.  Always.

So quit living as if Facebook is reality.  It most definitely is not.  Not for anyone that uses it.  If you’re concerned with a way someone is living, ask them out of love.  Don’t post your passive aggressive attacks and get all the rioters ready to stone someone.  IT SOLVES NOTHING.  Love always wins.  Every single time.  You may not see it or believe it, but it does.  The ones that focus on good, positive and lovely things are the ones that are happier and more fulfilled.  No matter where they live or what they own.

Philipians 4:8 Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.

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Look what you do to yourself. 

Ready to see what this social experiment is all about?  I really like to follow trends in fashion. Right now, rompers are huge. I think they’re so cute and comfy looking and I’ve been dying to try one out. A friend gave me one that was pants and I wore it very nervously. After all, everything I work so hard to cover is not hidden by baggy shirts or layers.  Turns out I hated it mostly because I couldn’t pee without an assistant. Thankfully Brett was there to hold my hand. So now here comes summer….flowy short rompers are everywhere! And I want it so bad! 

Yesterday I asked Brett to take me to Torrid. There were several rompers and most of them were very bold, loud prints. I found an off white one that was semi tame and excitedly put it on. Man was I bummed when I turned around. It was not a good look on me at all and I was so disappointed. After trying other things on that were much more flattering, I headed to the register when this blue piece caught my eye. I had to try it on. I reluctantly came out of the dressing room and before I could nit pick myself to death, Brett looked at me wide eyed and said “that looks great baby!”  Immediately my reservations dissipated and I decided to rock the hell out of this romper. 

When we were headed home, I was thinking of all the things I hated about myself in the outfit and how my husband didn’t notice a single one of them. It made me wonder who really does notice the things I hate? So I turned to my great friends on Facebook and asked their opinion. Do you know not ONE SINGLE “flaw” I have was pointed out. Matter of fact, my legs were one of the first things I frowned at. Flabby knees, cellulite, jiggly thighs…I was disgusted. But I had many comments about what great legs I have. What?!?! I won’t list the other things I hate because if you haven’t noticed it’s silly to draw attention at this point and I obviously need to stop beating myself up over it.  But most of the negative points were the print of the outfit. Not me. 

Here’s the thing. Someone has told us we should be ashamed of our bodies. Someone has some unwritten guideline as to who is allowed to wear what. Someone has drilled it into our heads that we are imperfect and don’t deserve to be free. Who the hell is this someone?! Who said a plus size girl can’t wear a romper and be happy in it? Why does that someone get to make the rules over MY life??? Why am I giving some invisible being that kind of power over me? It’s time we stop that immediately. I was sad to see how many girls said “I wish I could wear that.” 

So how do you get past it? I don’t know. I know for me, I ask my husband to pick clothes for me. And no matter what I see in the mirror, I go with his response.  He’s been brutally honest at times so I know he won’t let me look silly. But I strive to get the excited response from him. The one that makes me feel like a goddess. So if 100 people tell me I look like shit, I know I go home and my husband can’t wait to rip my clothes off.  At the end of the day his opinion is the only one that matters to me. 

What if you don’t have a significant other? How do you get past that then? Surround yourself with people who are positive and cheering for you. I walk in the door at work and these girls compliment something about me every single day. And we do that because we love each other. We lift each other up. We want the other to be happy. 

If you don’t have friends or relatives in your circle building you up and supporting you then definitely find a new circle. Stop letting “someone” determine your life and your happiness. Surround yourself with positivity and love. And if you can’t, BE positivity and love. If you see someone out that’s heavy and wearing a romper, give them a mental high five for daring to live without rules. Ignore how the outfit looks on them. That person is bravely fighting a war against social acceptability and a war to love ourselves. And they may not even know it!!!

Y’all I stress this stuff so greatly because at NINE years old my daughter has expressed her own self hatred. My heart shattered into a million pieces. She’s a baby for one. For two, she got that directly from me. What the hell kind of lesson in life is that for her??? It’s time all of us band together and love ourselves. Love each other. Raise a generation that can confidently say “f*ck someone and their rules because I’m happy being me”. 

Now go buy the romper. 

You have the power to choose….

Recently I’ve been reflecting on choices. One I struggle the most with is emotions. Did you know you actually CHOOSE what emotions you respond with? You choose to love, choose to be happy, choose to be sad. Your entire life and the reponses you make are your own choice. 

I worked a corporate job in healthcare for many years. I was really happy with the actual job I did, but I was miserable every where else. Eventually I chose to leave, go to school and pursue a career in the beauty industry. It was the scariest damn thing I’ve ever done. 

Shortly after, I found myself miserable with myself. My weight was out of control. I chose to do something about it. And in that I found myself. I learned how strong I really am in that journey. I realized I was settling for less than I deserve in many aspects of my life. So I chose to find happiness. 

In that I realized that being happy is a choice. I looked around me and found that everything in my house was a purchase made to make me happy and it failed. I had to choose to find the good around me and be happy with it for myself. After all, it was all something I once wanted. I learned that I am most happy when I’m loving Amber first. I set aside 30 minutes a day to love Amber  enough to work out. I cooked the foods that made Amber healthy and happy. I stopped living for everyone else.  You see most often as moms, we take care of everyone else first. Job, husband, kids. And at the end of the day we are left exhausted and burned out. So I chose happiness. Ultimately, it lead to the demise of my marriage. When I started living for me too, I realized how unhappy I was. So I chose to leave.  Now I choose to love and be loved freely. Now don’t get me wrong….this isn’t a dump your husband kind of post. Mine wasn’t willing to be receptive to my new life. And that’s ok. Our cultures were too different. My now husband encourages my selfish time. He eats my healthy foods and is totally supportive of me choosing happiness. Can you see that effect for him? The things I do make me happier and more confident. Imagine the wife he gets to come home to. 

So with happiness comes choosing love. You choose who you love and how you love them. I can wake up every day, throw a pop kiss at my husband and go about my day. After several mornings of this, we begin to come distant from each other. I was guilty of that in marriage one. I got to a point that I was avoiding him all together. Now I choose differently. I run to my husband when he gets home from work. I kiss him passionately like we did when we dated as often as possible. I grab his butt. I choose to love and pursue him daily. But it’s an active choice and work that is made daily. Not that it’s hard to love him, because that is false. But it is work to show him daily just how much I love him. And ladies when I love him fiercely, he reciprocates with surprise jewelry, love notes, candle light dinners….he’s loved so well that he gives it back. “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free” -Thich Nhat Hanh

Anger. We choose that too. When I was messaged about my morals and financial obligations while in Jamaica I was FURIOUS. Stupidly I messaged her back and unloaded on her. Then she blew me back up. In that moment I realized I can choose to be pissed, or I can choose to let it go. What do I gain from being angry? I gain a bad attitude and a ruined vacation. People will think what they want to think. Ultimately, my response is the only thing that affects my life. 

Jealousy. We choose how we react to other people’s happiness. It’s easy to choose jealousy and struggle with how it’s not fair. I remember a time when my sister drove a Lexus. She traded it in for a new Jeep and I was sick with jealousy. It wasn’t fair. I was the oldest and should’ve been driving fancy cars. I stole her happiness with a simple “that’s nice” response and that was such an asshole thing to do. While in Jamaica, my morals were questioned when it was assumed we live on government assistance while taking lavish trips. Pure jealousy made these people act out and it nearly stole my happiness. Today my best friend proudly told me about her new car. I’m also looking for a new car so that tinge of jealousy was there. I CHOSE to be happy for her instead and celebrate WITH her. And I genuinely am so happy for her! I’m not sitting here stewing over how the hell she can afford it. My day wasn’t ruined because she gained. My heart was a little more full bc I love her and want her to be happy. 

In closing I will say that I choose to work on myself every day. Either with a workout or a pint of ice cream. I choose to love my husband so fiercely that he feels like it’s our first date as often as possible. I choose to not let anger and jealousy determine my present state of mind. I hope you learn to start choosing happiness. It starts within yourself. It starts with training your mind and loving YOURSELF. We can work on it together. ❤️
Much Love,

Mama H 

Confessions from a mom, hairdresser, wife, and all around badass. 

This is the post excerpt.

I’m sitting in an airport wondering what the hell kind of wisdom I can pass on to people. People watching…Facebooking….annoying my husband all to make the time pass. So I think my first post should be about patience, positivity and good vibes. 
While in Jamaica, we were on an absolutely stunning piece of property with the best food and alcohol constantly surrounding us. I remember being at a breakfast buffet one morning wth at least 50 items to choose from and an eager staff willing to create anything you could desire if the items available weren’t your taste.  An older lady walked around huffing and puffing because she couldn’t eat one single thing on that bar. Not one. All I could think is we are in freaking paradise and she’s miserable. How incredibly sad. So I took from this experience to live intentionally positive. Now it’s not always easy and I fail constantly. But do you know how much sweeter life is if you smile at every person you pass? If you speak to the person standing beside you and compliment them in some way? I love to build up other women especially. We are in such a hate driven world and our biggest enemy is ourselves. So I challenge you to make an intentional effort to make someone smile the next time you’re in public. Examples of such compliments could be “your outfit is hot!” “I love your earrings” “man you smell nice!” And do so with a smile. You will notice that not only did you make someone else’s day, but it’s impossible not to be in a great mood when you do. 
Much love always,

Mama H