As most of you know, I’m on a new weight loss journey. I have been in battle with weight for as long as I can remember….it’s been a losing battle unfortunately. So I have finally decided to take the plunge and go for gastric bypass. I hope that sharing my journey can help break the stigma that surrounds bariatric surgery and obesity issues. And if it doesn’t, sharing my story helps me heal so I’m ok with that outcome too.
If you’ve read this far, congratulations! You’re the lucky winner to enter into my mind. Haha! Seriously though, I’ve been on a weird roller coaster since beginning the journey in early June. The way the program is set up, you have to do support groups. It seems a little overwhelming at first to commit to this while we all have so much on our plates, but I’m learning so much!!! Obesity isn’t just something that happens. There’s a reason why I am where I am at. Emotional eating has been my biggest downfall. Food genuinely makes me feel good or feel better….until it doesn’t. When it doesn’t, it’s usually after I’ve binged on something to soothe my soul and then rolls in the massive amounts of guilt, shame, and feeling of failure because I’ve over indulged to heal rather than dealing with whatever issue was at hand. So my first support group was all about emotional eating and how to overcome it. It was such a revelation to me that it is OK TO FEEL things…even bad things. You have to go THROUGH things to get OVER things. That’s been a hard hard road for me. A lot of journaling went into healing past hurts, and I’m probably not 100%, but I’m much closer than I used to be.
Next step was visiting the dietician. I explained that feeding a family of 8 while owning a business and having a spouse working or in school full time makes cooking dinner more of a luxury these days. I just don’t have time. So she gave me a list of things that I could grab and go and whoa. Do you know how many foods (and they’re healthy foods too) I’ve not been allowed to eat in YEARS because of some fad diet restriction?! I was really stoked when I sat with Lindsay….she validated all of my stresses about food and made me feel better about being in that office. Because truthfully I’ve struggled with second guessing myself at least once a week if not more. I get scared about not having my go to comfort of food and sweets to deal, I stress not being able to drink as much, or I’m scared I’ll be the outcast at gatherings because I won’t fit in anymore. She calmed all of those fears for me in such a loving way. I will learn new ways to cope. I’ve been using alcohol to mask who I am to fit into the crowd or as a tool to drown stress. These are not healthy habits…these are crutches. I also realized that I’ve relied on being empathetic as my best quality, but truly feeling for other people is so much easier than feeling for myself, and now I need to change that. That is absolutely terrifying, but I’m ready for this challenge.
Today’s support group was focused on including your family and letting them in on how to help support me throughout this entire process. It was really comforting to know that I’m not just crazy and the things I think about as far as my fears are concerned are things other people think about too! I was shocked to find out I wasn’t alone in my thinking, mainly because obesity isn’t viewed as a disease. It’s been viewed as just laziness and overeating. My weight is truly due to an addiction to food. That’s hard to even verbalize because it isn’t taken seriously. I use food and alcohol as a tool to deal with life and anything hard that may be thrown at me.
I’m really excited to be on this journey of self healing and finding who I truly am. I’ve defined myself as “the big girl” for so long that I don’t know my true identity outside of her. I will keep you all posted on how it’s going! Currently it looks as though surgery will be around September/October, so for now I’ll just be soaking up all the classes I can! Also, here’s is my starting picture. Can’t wait to watch the butterfly transform!
I love you guys, and appreciate all of your support ❤