I really haven’t known what in the world to blog about. Depression has been weighing on my heart significantly. I debated on sharing a post because I really didn’t want the I’m sorrys and sympathy that comes from sharing hardship. Unfortunately for me, God says otherwise and has been pushing me to share my story.
I have been so down lately. I’ve been diagnosed with PMDD, pre-menstral dysphoric disorder. Let me tell you…it’s a whole new level of crazy. I honestly thought I must be bipolar or schizophrenic, which is terrifying. Bipolar because for two weeks of the month I’m great, then for two weeks I’m anxious, depressed, sleeping all the time, and miserable to be around. I thought schizophrenia because in those two weeks, my brain does not shut off. It’s a constant battle of beating myself up. Are these voices real?! I can’t even explain it. What I do know is that the beating myself up consists of belittling myself, convincing myself I’m a total failure, creating scenarios in my head that consist of my husband leaving me and my children wanting to live as far away from me as possible. Feeling so completely worthless that I question why I’m even on this earth. And on top of this constant berating, I’m in a significant amount of pain that literally makes me want to be in bed all day every day.
The struggle has been real folks. I started by trying out birth control to regulate these hormones that trigger PMDD. It’s helped somewhat, but after a few months it comes back. I decided I can’t handle this anymore. I went to my doctor and sat totally embarrassed, in tears, and begging for mercy. She was so kind to me. So reassuring. I needed that gentleness desperately. I am now starting Wellbutrin and waiting on a referral for a therapist.
My reason for sharing my story is for one I’m mortified. I cannot even believe I am this incredibly weak. I really need to just snap out of it. I’ve got a great life and nothing to be so depressed about. But the funny thing is, I’m not weak. I’m incredibly strong and have crawled out of the depths of hell numerous times. Getting stuck in a rut does not make you weak. It makes you (ME) human. It’s ok to stumble. It’s how you get back up that determines your character. So I’m focusing on taking this one day at a time. Staying positive. Taking care of myself.
I also wanted to share because depression is different for so many people. I don’t wear my depression for the world to see. I keep it hidden and try desperately to stay so busy I never have to sit alone with myself. The thought of being alone is so scary for me and intensifies my symptoms. I’ve created a bigger mess because now I’m so busy I can’t manage it all and my anxiety levels are through the roof trying to accomplish all that I’ve taken on. It’s a double edged sword. I also have put too much expectation on my husband by avoiding being alone. It isn’t fair to put that burden on his shoulders. It’s an impossible load to bear.
This story is an excellent proof of why it is so important to be kind to people. At the mention of being depressed, I’ve gotten responses of “but you look so great”, “I never would’ve guessed”, and “what do you have to be depressed about?” You never know what demons someone is battling. I look so great because I was taught to hide my crazy. I don’t know what I have to be depressed about, my brain isn’t working properly. The good news is I’m seeking help. And I strongly encourage you to do the same if you’re in a bad place too. My angel of a doctor knows my fears of not being on meds and needing meds for life and is working with me to make sure we have an effective game plan we both can manage. It’s hard talking to someone about issues like this…DO IT ANYWAY. I honestly would not choose suicide, but I can see how it can happen. It isn’t a selfish act. It’s an act to make it stop….a person can only be beaten up for so long. You don’t have to choose that route. Help is out there!!
Remember, you are strong…you are beautiful…you, WE, are going to be ok!
I love you all and Jesus loves you too…you are not alone in this. ❤️