My personal battle with depression.

I really haven’t known what in the world to blog about. Depression has been weighing on my heart significantly. I debated on sharing a post because I really didn’t want the I’m sorrys and sympathy that comes from sharing hardship. Unfortunately for me, God says otherwise and has been pushing me to share my story.

I have been so down lately. I’ve been diagnosed with PMDD, pre-menstral dysphoric disorder. Let me tell you…it’s a whole new level of crazy. I honestly thought I must be bipolar or schizophrenic, which is terrifying. Bipolar because for two weeks of the month I’m great, then for two weeks I’m anxious, depressed, sleeping all the time, and miserable to be around. I thought schizophrenia because in those two weeks, my brain does not shut off. It’s a constant battle of beating myself up. Are these voices real?! I can’t even explain it. What I do know is that the beating myself up consists of belittling myself, convincing myself I’m a total failure, creating scenarios in my head that consist of my husband leaving me and my children wanting to live as far away from me as possible. Feeling so completely worthless that I question why I’m even on this earth. And on top of this constant berating, I’m in a significant amount of pain that literally makes me want to be in bed all day every day.

The struggle has been real folks. I started by trying out birth control to regulate these hormones that trigger PMDD. It’s helped somewhat, but after a few months it comes back. I decided I can’t handle this anymore. I went to my doctor and sat totally embarrassed, in tears, and begging for mercy. She was so kind to me. So reassuring. I needed that gentleness desperately. I am now starting Wellbutrin and waiting on a referral for a therapist.

My reason for sharing my story is for one I’m mortified. I cannot even believe I am this incredibly weak. I really need to just snap out of it. I’ve got a great life and nothing to be so depressed about. But the funny thing is, I’m not weak. I’m incredibly strong and have crawled out of the depths of hell numerous times. Getting stuck in a rut does not make you weak. It makes you (ME) human. It’s ok to stumble. It’s how you get back up that determines your character. So I’m focusing on taking this one day at a time. Staying positive. Taking care of myself.

I also wanted to share because depression is different for so many people. I don’t wear my depression for the world to see. I keep it hidden and try desperately to stay so busy I never have to sit alone with myself. The thought of being alone is so scary for me and intensifies my symptoms. I’ve created a bigger mess because now I’m so busy I can’t manage it all and my anxiety levels are through the roof trying to accomplish all that I’ve taken on. It’s a double edged sword. I also have put too much expectation on my husband by avoiding being alone. It isn’t fair to put that burden on his shoulders. It’s an impossible load to bear.

This story is an excellent proof of why it is so important to be kind to people. At the mention of being depressed, I’ve gotten responses of “but you look so great”, “I never would’ve guessed”, and “what do you have to be depressed about?” You never know what demons someone is battling. I look so great because I was taught to hide my crazy. I don’t know what I have to be depressed about, my brain isn’t working properly. The good news is I’m seeking help. And I strongly encourage you to do the same if you’re in a bad place too. My angel of a doctor knows my fears of not being on meds and needing meds for life and is working with me to make sure we have an effective game plan we both can manage. It’s hard talking to someone about issues like this…DO IT ANYWAY. I honestly would not choose suicide, but I can see how it can happen. It isn’t a selfish act. It’s an act to make it stop….a person can only be beaten up for so long. You don’t have to choose that route. Help is out there!!

Remember, you are strong…you are beautiful…you, WE, are going to be ok!

I love you all and Jesus loves you too…you are not alone in this. ❤️

Mama H

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Author: helmbrecht8

I'm just a girl. A girl that's done marriage, divorce, new marriage, family blending, new babies, weight loss, weight gain, business building, moving forward, and living life. My hope is to show some love and inspiration for others to keep on keeping on.

2 thoughts on “My personal battle with depression.”

  1. Thank you for sharing.
    I went thru PMS…thought I was bipolar…during two weeks of the month I felt enraged, screaming, regretful, crying all the time, suicidal. Absolutely hating myself and pushing others away when in reality wanting to be held and told everything would be alright. I even only had one child because when I was pregnant, I was for 9 months of having rapid and severe mood swings. I sought multiple therapists, different medications as a matter of fact, Wellbutrin made me more anxious..but glad I didn’t give up and I did have medication changes. Depression is a monster that I constantly fought! Suicide runs in my family…every generation! So I felt it was in reach to end my suffering and those around me that I affected. My moodiness then is probably the reason my daughter doesn’t speak to me to this day. I was married to a great man that managed to stay next to my side, found the right Mds, therapist, church and medications. And yes for me …it is lifelong medication as whenever I weaned off medication that Monster would rear it’s ugly head. I thought that once I was post menopausal my mind would be balanced but nope. What’s worse then being on medication.is being consumed with depression and bad thoughts. I never want to go back to that. Is my depression gone. .not entirely but at least it’s manageable. I think this is what has made me compassionate to those with depression. God uses us even in our faults. Thank God.
    Hugs my friend ..hang in there! …its a windy road!

    Liked by 1 person

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