Fear. Fear is a terrible feeling. Heart pounding, high anxiety mind racing body paralyzingly fear. It’s nauseating to think about. There are so many kinds of fear, so it’s inevitable you’ll feel it at one point or another in your lifetime. The strongest and bravest do. My dealings with fear have been countless. A few of my encounters may encourage you to be brave, or they’ll tell you stay still because Amber is a lunatic. Either way maybe it’ll help.
From 2005-2010, I was pretty happy in my career. I was scheduling and getting insurance approvals for plastic surgeons. I felt part of something big and important. I was helping to change lives. At the time, my hairdresser kept encouraging me to join her in the hair industry. I thought she was crazy. After all, I had a real job. At the end of 2010, I did not like the person I became. My job was literally draining every ounce of me and being a mom when I got home was the last thing I wanted to do. My aunt and husband pushed and pushed for me to jump ship. I’d never not held a job since I was 15. How could I become completely dependent on my husband?! But I jumped. January 2011, I started cosmetology school. It was the best decision I’d ever made in my life. But SCARY. A whole new level of scary. I was leaving a steady job to start a new career that was full of uncertainties.
I finished hair school and knew I had chosen the right field for me. Or maybe it chose me? Either way, I was determined to make it work. I worked a second job while building my clientele. I found myself becoming too busy at the shop to hold them both, so one had to go. I chose the call center of course. Another paralyzingly fear. I was going to be strictly self employed. There was no guarantees I’d survive. I prayed hard. God, if I jump please let me at least cover my booth rent. Don’t let me fail my best friend and miss booth rent. He provided just as he promised and my fear was for nothing.
Three years ago, I asked my husband to leave. I had no idea how I’d make it, but I knew I couldn’t stay together. He said no. My fear let me cave to him. Fear of not being able to support myself and three children. Fear of raising them alone. Fear. So I let him fill me full of promises to be better. Five short months later we were right back to being the old crappy married couple. Fear would not rule. He left as I stood my ground.
Shortly after, I found out I was pregnant. Fear. I’d just gotten strong enough to attempt raising three. I couldn’t be paralyzed with this. There was nothing to do but move forward. And I did. We all did. We became a big family. Fear struck again and again as my life continuously flipped upside down at every corner. I married his father despite my fears of being miserable in marriage. I supported this entire family on just my income despite my fear of falling on my face as a hairdresser. Most weeks, I’m the primary breadwinner.
Here’s what I’ve learned about facing your fears…God pushes you to move outside of your comfort zone because a) He has something much greater for you in store, and b) He is confirming your trust in Him. If God is pushing you to move and you’re staying still, you’re not fully trusting in His plan for you. For me, the scarier the situation seems, the more blessed I am when I actually face my fears. Also, I’ve been able to see exactly how strong I am. I didn’t need anyone to get me through. I was relying on the crutch of a dead end job to pay my bills because it was a sure thing. I was relying on a dead end husband to support us because I didn’t have faith in myself or God.
God has never let me fall flat on my face. Even when my ex husband and I lost everything. If you are facing a hard decision and have faith, I encourage you to rest on Him. Lay it at His feet and ask Him to be your light in the darkness. You won’t regret it. My life has completely turned around and I’m in a place I never ever imagined I’d be.
Isaiah 41:10 Fear not for I am with you.