Grief. Death. Suicide. Walking Away.

About 4 years ago, a family member took his life. It was literally the most devastating thing I have ever dealt with. And to some degree, I’m not really sure I have fully dealt with it. The aftermath was unbearable. He got the easy way out per se because he didn’t have to hurt any more. Meanwhile, the rest of us were left to deal with the guilt, the overwhelming grief, and the new life without him. I can’t even begin to describe to you the pain of it. It goes beyond missing someone. It’s a series of what could I have done? What did I miss? Why didn’t I know this was coming? It took a few years for me to get past the guilt of being at fault. 

A year and a half ago, a girl that grew up with us was killed in a car accident. This girl was the fourth Wagner sister. Man do I miss her. It’s a whole new series of pain. Why didn’t I spend more time? I know she’s happy and free, but I want her back. Why did I take her life for granted? Facebook reminds me daily how much I miss her because she’s in my timeline. I’m grateful for that, but also saddened every single time. I’m reminded of how I took her for granted every time her name pops up. I drive by her crash site and a lump the size of Texas forms in my throat every time. I miss her. 

What’s scary, is I’ve found myself in such a place that I’m almost envious of her. Not in a way that I’m sitting her ready to pull the trigger. But envious that she’s free and I’m chained down. Envious that she doesn’t have to deal with the daily grind like I do. And that scares the hell out of me. 

I got to this place because I’ve let every person in my life take full advantage of me. I’m overwhelmed, overworked, and under appreciated. And it’s a common feeling I’m finding in many households. We are doing way too much and juggling way too many things. It’s ultimately resulted in a complete nervous breakdown. Laying in my parents floor, drunk and sobbing and feeling like the only way to be free is to disappear. 

I’m sharing this because I have let my mental health slip to the back burner. And I know many in my circle have done the same. It’s embarrassing to admit any of it because I definitely don’t want to be deemed as fragile. But why? It’s ok to be fragile. It’s ok to say no. It’s ok to need help. It’s ok to admit it. At the end of the day, your mental wellbeing is far more important than what people think of you. 

Because I’ve dealt with the aftermath of suicide, I know that on my darkest of days, I’d never be able to take that road. But I do need to make changes. Monday, I will be calling my doctor to start the necessary medications and therapies. I also sat down with my family. I let out all the hurt, and explained all the ways I’m being over worked. I have handed over all of the bills and monies to my husband. I’ve directed the kids to make sure the chores are done or their lives are changing. I will no longer be the servant in this house. 
It is OK to fall apart. It is OK to need help. It is OK to expect and receive more from your family. It is not ok to bounce completely out. I walked out the door and wasn’t sure I’d ever return to this house again. It’s OK to take a break and pull yourself together. God didn’t give us this life to be servants to the people in our home. Let go of the control and I beg you to seek help if you are there. Whether it be professional help, or just a friend…reach out and own your shame. I know it’s shameful if you’re there bc I’m ridiculously ashamed of myself right now. But guess what? It doesn’t make you or I any less of a person to feel this way. It makes us human. 

If you find yourself in a place that you think death is the only way, reach out. There is a totally free hotline you can call…tel:1-800-273-8255. You can please reach out to me. Reach out to anyone. There is another way. I promise!!! 

YOU ARE WORTH IT. ❤️
In love, 

Mama H